by Rick Shvantz, guest columnist
Monday. Got up, masturbated. Made beanie-weanie. Decided to go back to bed. Woke up in time for Jerry. Interesting episode about an obese hillbilly mom who slept with her obese hillbilly daughter’s obese hillbilly boyfriend. A catfight broke out. Both shirts ripped off. No one hurt.
Tuesday. Leftover beanie-weanie for breakfast. Decided to look at the want ads. Didn’t make it past the first lingerie ad. Ended up taking the paper into the bathroom. Don’t know why I don’t feel comfortable doing it anywhere else. Haven’t lived with my parents in years.
Wednesday. Found some pizza in the fridge. Not sure how old it is. Tasted all right. Decided to take a break from The Young and the Restless. Watched some court shows instead. Started to think really deep thoughts. Why can’t people just get along? Mistakenly received neighbor lady’s copy of Good Housekeeping. Really hot moms, might not give it back.
Thursday. Watched guy across the street install new garage door. Doesn’t really know what he’s doing. Another catfight on Jerry. More crying on Divorce Court. The new anchorwoman on Channel 9’s pretty sexy. Speaking of sexy, whatever happened to Ricki Lake? Spent all afternoon trying to find her show. Settled for Oprah.
Friday. Showered and shaved, got ready for church. Finally realized what day it was. It’s so hard to keep track of things anymore. Set new masturbation record. Six times. Wasn’t even horny after the fourth time, just intent on setting new record. Watched another episode of The View. Rosie really does bring a lot to the show.
Saturday. Got up, tried to masturbate, realized my penis had fallen off. Thought I’d better go to the hospital. Started to look for my car keys when Maury came on. Really interesting episode about gay midgets. Decided to stay home. Later in the afternoon, found my penis in the pantry, next to the potato chips. Had a few chips, stroked my detached penis. Didn’t feel as good. Finally decided to go to hospital.
Sunday. Found more old pizza in the fridge. Still tasted good. Tried to watch football, kept falling asleep. Too bad Jerry’s not on during the weekends. Woke up in time to go to Mom’s. Made sure to stuff pants, but first thing she asked was what happened to my penis. Got nervous, told her I’d been really constipated lately, that’s why I’d been in the bathroom so much, really really constipated.
Tuesday. Not sure what happened to Monday. Must’ve slept through it. Saltine crackers for breakfast. Watched more Jerry. Beginning to wonder if the fights are staged. And why do the women always take off their shirts? Called the hospital, learned my penis would be ready in the morning. Tried reading some Hegel. Someone once referred to it as mental masturbation. Saw the masturbatory qualities but definitely not as good as the real thing.