January 7, 2007

To Bloggers Everywhere

You’re a bunch of jerks. You really are. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Have you read your own blogs lately? Well, I have. And do you know what I saw? Well, to put it kindly, fecal matter. Lots and lots of fecal matter.

But that’s not quite fair. See, feces has a purpose. Feces makes the world a better place. If it weren’t for feces, we’d all get bloated and die. But your blogs don’t have a purpose and in fact they’re making the world worse.

You want to know what I’m talking about? Okay, I’ll give you a few examples.
  • im dying. i hate myself. somebody kill me.
  • I stare at a keyboard and think about saying a million things.but all i do is stare at the keyboard and...
  • YAY for my B in logic class! OMG!!!! stupid class! so damn hard! ahhh~! I was SOOOOO sue i was gonna get a C or.... d.... but YAY! a B!
And those are some of the more interesting blogs I’ve come across. The worst are when you go on and on about your personal lives. And I wouldn’t have a problem with you talking about yourselves if you weren’t so incredibly boring.

And I don’t begrudge you for being such boring people. I can only pity you. I can’t even imagine how horrible life would be if all I had to talk about was what my boyfriend got me for Christmas or how my friends and I just sat around all weekend and watched Charmed reruns.

I pity you. I really do. But, even though your lives are so pathetic, could you please spare the rest of us all the excruciatingly moronic details.

You see, the world would be a better place if most of you didn’t blog. Or if you only blogged when you had something to contribute.

Contribute. That’s the key word.

Think of blogging like donating to charity. You wouldn’t give away something that no one else could use. You wouldn’t, for example, give away an empty jar of lima beans to a homeless shelter. In the same you, you shouldn’t blog something that won’t benefit anyone else.

You want to whine about your bad day? Guess what, that doesn’t really help me. Unless you whine in such a way that makes me laugh. And, NEWSFLASH, most of you aren’t very funny. So give it up.

So you want to complain about President Bush? Again, it doesn’t really help me. Unless you’re able to make a point or suggestion that hasn’t been made before.

Now I realize that some of you blog as a way to keep in touch with friends. Well, let me share a little secret with you. There’s this thing called email. You can do everything through email that you can blogging. Only email has one major advantage: when you email a message, there’s absolutely no possibility of me reading it and realizing what a total jerk you are.

I know that Time magazine named bloggers everywhere its Persons of the Year. Well, guess what, in 1938 Time named Adolf Hitler Person of the Year. A few years later, they gave the award to Joseph Stalin. So your award doesn’t mean anything.

And your blogs are just clogging up the internet, making it harder to locate those people who actually deserve to be read.
So please, for the love of humanity—and I mean that, for the love of humanity—please, stop it.

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