December 9, 2009

Breaking News: Don Emmerich Supports New War Tax

Dec. 9 (Los Angeles) -- In a move that has shocked many in the blogosphere, self-proclaimed peacenik Don Emmerich has come out in support of Carl Levin’s proposed war tax. Levin (D-MI) recently suggested that President Obama fund his Afghan troop escalation by imposing an additional tax on individuals making more than $200,000 a year.

“Taxpayers are footing the bill for these wars anyway,” Emmerich told reporters as he emerged from a Los Angeles bar late last night, “so why not,” he slurred, “why not force the government to be up front about it? Why not -- oh sh*t, I’ve lost my train of thought.”

“Look,” he continued, “from the taxpayer’s perspective, it doesn’t really matter whether you fund a war through tax increases or deficit spending. Because deficit spending is essentially a tax hike. You see, deficit spending causes inflation, which in turn diminishes the value of the dollar. So either way, we’re screwed. Hey, has anyone seen my keys?”

When asked if he’d ever before supported a tax increase, Emmerich replied, “Hell no. I’m a libertarian, man. Down with taxes, man! Down with the government! Oh I see what you’re getting at. You think I’m abandoning libertarianism, don’t you? For the love of God, has anyone seen my f*cking keys?”

After getting into a scuffle with a companion who claimed he was too inebriated to drive, Emmerich continued: “I think every penny that the Pentagon spends should come from tax revenue. That would force people to realize how much we’re actually paying for these wars. Running an empire ain’t cheap, you know.”

Asked if he thought this would help the peace movement, he yelled out: “Hell yes! You see, Americans are far too insulated from these wars. There are exceptions, of course. These soldiers coming home with brain damage and PTSD understand the evils of war. Their wives and children understand the evils of war.

“But most other Americans just don’t get it. They’re too busy writing new status updates on Facebook—‘just watched Monk series finale, very impressive,’ ‘just took a dump, very impressive’—to give a damn.

“So I say tax these bastards! Since these fat f*cks are too absorbed in the minutiae of their own pathetic lives to care that their fellow Americans are being sent out to die for a bunch of lies, I say tax them! Maybe that will actually get their attention, turn a few more people onto peace!”

At this point, someone from a nearby apartment yelled out their window that it was three in the morning and asked Mr. Emmerich if he would mind shutting the f*ck up. “Sorry!” Emmerich yelled. He then turned to a friend: “Has anyone ever told you that you bear a striking resemblance to Friedrich Nietzsche? And I say that as a compliment. By the way, have you seen my keys?”


Anonymous said...


I would offer an alternative proposal: a universal draft. When at war, we should implement a universal forced conscription, for essentially citizens and resident aliens, from perhaps 16 to 80 years old, and with effectively no provisions for exclusion. Obviously, not everyone would be drafted – that would be totally impractical – but everyone would have the same odds of being drafted. The draft would operate as a lottery, without consideration of social, martial, educational, or any other status. And, of course, being drafted wouldn’t necessarily imply being sent to the front lines; one’s placement into forced servitude would, logically, be based on personal capabilities and the needs of the country. Young, strong men get to charge machine gun nests on blood-soaked beaches, whilst flabby, 60 year old women might handle paperwork at home – perhaps writing and sending death notices.

I am, in fact, perfectly serious in this. I probably differ from you, in believing that there are times when war is necessary and just (or, even, just unavoidable). The objective, however, is exactly the same as yours – to extend to all citizens the responsibility to feel the consequences of war, and, as a consequence, to more actively engage our ‘leaders’ as they either lead us into or find alternatives to going to war. I would hope that this might result in significantly less adventuring, and we might see war not as a tool of diplomacy but as truly a last resort.


Don Emmerich Jr. said...

Sure, we certainly wouldn't have all these wars.

It's so sad that the people who start these wars--the politicians, the executives at Haliburton, GE, etc.--aren’t the ones fighting in them. It’s so easy to send someone else off to die. But if these executives at Haliburton, etc. had to risk their lives patrolling the streets of Baghdad, fighting the Taliban in Helmand, etc., then I really don’t think we’d be over there in the first place.

And by the way, I think you’re letting the flabby, old women off too easily. :-)