Madam Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:
For the past year, I’ve been running this nation’s foreign affairs in much the same manner as my predecessor. Sure, I’ve tried to change the tone coming from Washington, but, as certain astute observers have noticed, I have not significantly altered this government’s policies.
Tonight, I intended to tell you the reason for this continuity. Unfortunately, my lawyers have advised me against making an outright confession. So instead I’ll simply tell you that it rhymes with Shmilitary Shmindustrial Shmomplex.
Please don’t misunderstand me. There’s no actual entity known as the Shmilitary Shmindustrial Shmomplex. That’s just a code for the power I’m talking about, the true power in Washington; really, the true power in the world.
For the past year, I’ve marched lockstep to the orders of this power. And, as you might imagine, the rewards—at least for me and my friends—have been great. But I can’t do it anymore. In good conscience, I just can’t do it anymore.
For the past eight years, we’ve been lucky. One major terrorist attack on our homeland, a few smaller, mostly forgotten, attacks. But if we continue down our current path, another attack, one as deadly, perhaps deadlier, than 9/11, seems inevitable.
But we need not continue down this path.
To be more specific, we need not maintain our current foreign policy. We need not continue occupying nations that pose no threat to us, propping up dictators who oppress their people, assisting the Israeli state in its brutalization of the Palestinians.
While these actions certainly line the pockets of the Shmilitary Shmindustrial Shmomplex, they only put our own nation at risk. For it is because of such actions that so many in the Muslim world want to kill us.
As numerous thinkers have argued, al-Qaeda hates us, not because of who we are, but because of what we do. They attack us because we have spent the past several decades attacking innocent men, women, and children throughout the Muslim world. The record is clear, the causal connection unmistakable.
So, effective ten minutes ago, I ordered Secretary Gates to begin withdrawing all our troops from, not just Iraq and Afghanistan, but also places like Kyrgyzstan and Kuwait.
I also sent emails to the leaders of Israel, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Morocco, and several other Middle Eastern countries. Though I can’t divulge the exact content of these messages, I essentially told them all that they can go fuck themselves. I made it clear that, if they don’t immediately grant sovereignty to those living within their borders, I will do everything within my power to completely cut off aid to their sorry-ass regimes.
I realize that these actions won’t appease everyone. The world, it’s true, contains some truly evil men, sociopaths who cannot be reasoned with. And, make no mistake about it, I will use every means at my disposal to stop such men. But going forward, the United States government will only engage its military for defensive purposes and will only provide aid to countries that do the same.
Okay, I think I’ve made myself clear. Time is short; there are several other issues I’d like to discuss tonight. So on to healthcare…