Sarah Palin’s Tea Party speech felt like something out of a romantic-comedy.
We’ve seen it a thousand times before. The guy and girl meet each other, fall madly in love, but before long there’s a misunderstanding. There’s always a misunderstanding. Like the guy gets jealous after seeing the girl with another guy—even though, unbeknownst to him, the other guy is really just the girl’s brother. Or the girl sees the guy kissing another girl—turns out that the other girl forced herself on the guy and he was actually trying to push her away.
Yes, there’s always a misunderstanding, one that prevents the protagonists from getting together until the film’s last five minutes—at which point everything gets cleared-up, they say their sorries, and end up passionately necking as the closing credits begin to roll.
Well the Sarah Palin love story is no different.
Cast as the female lead is, of course, our girl Sarah, cute hockey mom, killer legs, major league milf. Her counterpart is played by none other than our Harvard-educated, cigarette-smoking stud of a president, Barry Obama. Everyone knows it’s just a matter of time before these two get together, hook up to form some political action committee or something like that. But, as in all good love stories, before they connect, there’s a misunderstanding.
Turns out that Sarah profoundly misunderstands Barry's policies. For instance, she thinks Barry wants to give constitutional protections to terror suspects. And she thinks Barry has turned his back on Israel and that he’s been playing softball with Iran and that he opposes having a strong national defense.
Because of these misunderstandings, Sarah is getting nasty with Barry, lashing out at him in public. She lambasted him for all these things during her speech on Saturday. Kind of reminds me of that scene in Bridget Jones 2 when Bridget sees Mark drinking wine with his lesbian secretary, but, of course, Bridget doesn’t know the secretary is a lesbian, so she gets really jealous and blows up at Mark. Remember that? Well that’s essentially what’s going on here. Just a big misunderstanding.
If Sarah would have done her homework, she would have learned that Barry is just as much of an evil, racist, warmongering imperialist as she is. She thinks Barry wants to give constitutional protections to terror suspects? Hah! Doesn’t she follow the news? Doesn’t she know that Barry’s policies are essentially the same as George W. Bush’s? Doesn’t she know that, like Bush, Barry believes he has the right to indefinitely detain suspects, preventing their cases from ever being tried in court? Doesn’t she know that he has continued Bush’s extraordinary rendition policy? Doesn’t she know that, under Barry, detainees continue getting tortured? Doesn’t she have a clue that Barry reviles the Constitution every bit as much as she does?
And she thinks Barry has turned his back on Israel? She must not know that he’s done his part to block the Goldstone Report, you know the UN report documenting Israeli war crimes in Gaza. And she must not know that US aid to Israel has grown since he’s taken office.
And of course Barry hasn’t played softball with Iran. Had he being playing softball with Iran, he would have honored the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty—which, by the way, he’s legally required to abide by—and recognized that Iran has the right to enrich uranium for peaceful purposes. But instead he’s denied it this right and spent the past several weeks pushing for sanctions.
And of course Barry believes in a strong national defense. Strong national offense really, which should really get Sarah all wet between the legs. Since taking office, he’s escalated the war in Afghanistan, escalated drone strikes in Pakistan, and increased spending on national defense—I mean, national offense.
So enough, Sarah. Enough of this name-calling. Like I said, it’s all just a big misunderstanding. Barry’s your man. You’re his girl. When you get down to it, ya’ll are just a couple of peas in a pod. So will you just stop you’re fighting and make up already?
Good Times at Pottersville, 12/1/15
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